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Locommode
(Ring) Hello? Yeah, you've got Preston Windermere here, 1-800-Toilets. Is this Joe? Wha? Wait a minute, who is this? Yeah, this is Preston, I'm with 1-800-Toilets. We're gonna put 14 portable toilets on your property tomorrow. We've got some construction crews in the area, and we need to place 'em there, on your property. I got nothing to do with it! I don't want it! Well you gotta clear about 45 square feet, right in front, so we can put our toilets up 'ere, okay? We're from 1-800-Toilets. Wha! What?! What is this?! Check the name and the address! On your rental property there. We need you to clear 45 square feet. We've got green toilets, orange toilets, red toilets coming your way, first thing tomorrow morning. And I want you to make sure there's no rocks, or trash, or bushes... I got nothing to do with it! It doesn't belong to me! Leave me alone! (hang up sound) (Ring) Hello? Hey Joe, this is Preston with 1-800-Toilets. We need you to give us a deposit two, three-hundred-dollar deposit. Just to protect our toilets, all right? I’ll be by to pick that up. Three-hundred dollars. I’m gonna give you nothing. And lay off before I call the police on you. Hey, I’m gonna come out there and demand the check, tomorrow morning. Do you understand me? (Unintelligible) lay off or you’re gonna be in jail. Oh, you’re gonna be in jail. I’m from 1-800-Toilets. You’re full of shit. Why don’t you go out front and clean it up. (Hang up sound) (Ring) Hello? Yeah, this is Preston Windermere. 1-800-Toilets. You still don’t lay off? Listen to me. We’re bringing 14 portable toilets to your property tomorrow morning. You got the wrong number! No, no, no. You’re stupid! Lay off you mother fucker! You’re going to jail sir, if you don’t, uh, let us in, to set up your toilets. Do you understand? (unintelligible) Why should I let you in? We want you up front. We need a check. And we need keys to the property to set up fourteen toilets. Why don’t you drop dead? You mother fucker. You’re going to jail, sir. Why don’t you drop dead? You’re gonna… You mother fucker. (unintelligible) You’re gonna be in jail. If you don’t let us in, you’re gonna go to prison. (Hang up sound) (Ring) Hello? Yeah guy, you’re going to jail over these toilets. You got it? You are a fucking guy, you know. And I’m gonna have my lawyer, you know, he’s gonna write you up. I’ve already called the police, and I gave them your numbers. You mother fucker, you’re calling me ‘I should give you toilets’, when I don’t own anything, I don’t own construction. If you want to give me toilets, you mother fucker. You owe… Get off, get to work! You son of a bitch, get to work! You owe me eight hundred dollars. (Hang up sound) (Ring) Hello? Hey, guy, you gotta cut me a check on these frickin’ toilets here. Sure I’m gonna cut you a check. I’m gonna cut your throat you mother fucker. (LPC Sound effects) (Hang up sound) (Ring) Hello? Okay man, you tell me, what color toilets do you want? Red? Green? Orange? Let me tell you, you mother fucker. You’re gonna come over here, you know, and I’ll slash your mother fucking throat. Come over here, okay? Come over, you mother fucker. You drop dead you chicken shit. You’re a gangster, you’re a criminal, and you will drop dead, you know. If I don’t slash your throat, somebody else will, and you’ll wind up in jail and drop dead there. Okay, so orange? (Hang up sound) (Ring) Hello? I accidentally got locked in one of these toilets, could you please come let me out? Help me get out? You’re not gonna stop for those mother fucking toilets? Come over here! Chicken shit mother fucker. (Hang up sound) (Ring) Hello? Hey, uh, Joe, would you want to come down and hop on the toilet? It’s pretty neat. You mother fucker. Your parents must be miserable with you. You chicken shit. I pray to God you should drop dead. You should have an accident and drop dead, before you hurt anybody. Because if I see you mother fucker, I’ll slash your throat. You mother fucker. You’re such a chicken. Aren’t you ashamed for what you’re doing to your parents that you’re a criminal? Aren’t you ashamed of it, you mother fucker? You chicken shit. (Unintelligible) Drop dead! Drop dead mother fucker! Drop dead! (Hang up sound) (Ring) Hello? Hey Joe? Yes? We’d like to offer you a job down here at 1-800-Toilets. Why don’t you come on down for an interview? Why don’t you fuck yourself? You mother fucker! Why don’t you fuck yourself? Drop dead you mother fucker. You’re gonna fall into an accident, I pray in my synagogue, I pray for you should drop dead. So you won’t have to go to jail, but you’ll drop dead, you know. You mother fucker. (Unintelligible) You chicken shit. You’re not worth, not even one nickel. Your mother must be struggling with her mental health, that she raised a mother fuck chicken shit son like you. You’re a chicken shit. (Unintelligible) Chicken shit! Mother fucker! We’ll talk about benefits, we’ll talk about… Drop dead! Drop dead! Drop dead mother fucker! (Hang up sound) (End of track)